Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Time for a laugh

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes will get old.

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I love roadside attorneys

So, the WBC was here, and I had to leave my vacation early to deal with it. I was tasked with being the on-scene command officer directly between the demonstrators and the counter-demonstrators. A few observations come to mind:

First, the fat tub of shit who was apparently a self-proclaimed expert in laws who wanted to debate with me about state law: Yes, I am aware that NC law says it is a misdemeanor to desecrate the US or NC flags. No, I am not going to charge any of the WBC wackos with this statute. Why? Because the "abuse" of the US Flag is Constitutionally protected speech. This has been proven before in flag burning cases. I'm not going to satisfy your rabble rousing, mis-guided passions in a brief display of police powers. If you've ever eaten out your wife, or received a blow job, or used a dildo (you or her), or butt-fucked your gay lover, then you have committed felonies and need to turn yourself in! What about it, Pork? Some laws are there that are unenforceable. There are others if you read through the books...

Second, if you are a counter-protestor, it would help if you didn't look and speak like you were a founding member of the concept of trailer trash. Yelling personal attacks and flipping the single digit salute does not demonstrate a high level of intelligence.

Third: I love the military, and as a student of military history, I have a great understanding of the sacrifices and heroism of the American Fighting Man. That being said, don't climb off your Harley and approach me in your "I-don't-ever-bathe-but-instead-cover-my-body-odor-with-leather" garments and make the proclamation, "I fought for their freedom in Viet Nam so that they have the right to do that!" Uhh,...err...I'm not aware of the sovereignty of the United States ever being seriously threatened by the Vietnamese (or by an Iraqi, since we have a lot of bumper stickers around proclaiming "My daddy fights for our freedom in Iraq.").

Fourth: The 50 or so people who counter protested, and the media people who arrived, did nothing but reinforce the WBC's efforts. They feed off the attention.

Fifth: This is directed to the motorists who felt it necessary to slow down and flip the bird with shouts of "fuck you." Do you feel better? Did that make you feel like a big man?

Ok, got it off my chest.

Friday, January 25, 2008

I've never trusted Oprah...

Oprah Winfrey has long touted female empowerment. Oprah is one who argues that women can do anything a man can do. Oprah has long supported women in leadership, powerful roles. Oprah says that women need to strive to attain all that they can. So...we finally have a female presidential candidate that has a chance at becoming President of the United States. We have a female candidate who is strong-willed and educated. We have a female candidate who is articulate and also is a strong proponent of women's rights. By and far, any feminist or supporter of women climbing corporate ladders would clearly be supporters of a woman with the qualities of Hilary Clinton. Hilary IS the type of woman that Oprah wants. Hilary HAS the background and capabilities that Oprah wants.

So...Oprah plays the race card and gives her support to the black guy. Hypocrite!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

We have misplaced priorities

Heath Ledger this, and Heath Ledger that. Nothing but Heath Ledger on all of the news channels and the Inside Hard Special Copy Edition. Yes, I guess it is tragic that somebody who has the world by the balls dies at such an early age. Heath, Heath, Heath. Did you know that on the same day of his death, a 21 year old United States Marine died for his country, killed while engaged in combat against an armed adversary far from home? I didn't think so.

At least the death of Heath has kept Brittany Spears out of the headlines.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Snow at the beach

Holy crap, it is cold! I took the family to Myrtle Beach for a couple of days just to get away from home. I've been dealing with the upcoming visit of the Westboro Baptist Church, which has tapped out all of our resources. You wouldn't expect sub-freezing temps in Myrtle Beach, but we had flurries yesterday and it will get in the teens tonight!