Saturday, November 29, 2008

¿ƃuıʎouuɐ sıɥʇ ʇ,usı

¡ǝldoǝd ƃuıʎouuɐ ʇsnɾ ɟo uoıʇdǝɔxǝ ǝɥʇ ɥʇıʍ 'ʇı ɹoɟ ǝsn ɥɔnɯ ʇou ˙ʇxǝʇ ɹnoʎ sdılɟ ʇɐɥʇ ǝʇsıqǝʍ ɐ oʇ oƃ llıʍ noʎ 'ǝʌoqɐ ʞuıl ǝɥʇ ʞɔılɔ noʎ ɟı

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Let's give thanks

There are so many things to be thankful for. I give thanks for my health, my family, and my friends. I give thanks that there is a roof over my head and food on my table. I give thanks that I'm able to sit in my glider rocker and type this out on a wireless keyboard. I give thanks for stand up comedians and thrilling basketball games. I give thanks to cool movies and apple juice. I give thanks to all the things that make living my life such an awesome thing.

I also want to give thanks to our emergency workers, many of whom worked on this day of giving thanks. Thanks to our paramedics and firefighters.


I give thanks to our armed forces, past and present.


I give thanks to all of the police officers risking everything every day to protect us.

...and I have to give thanks for boobs. Big, magnificent, round, jiggly boobs. Chesticles. Sweater puppies. Hooters.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A pre-Thanksgiving post

Just in case I don't get the opportunity to post anything on Thanksgiving, I figured I would go ahead and post this now.

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"



Monday, November 24, 2008

I was wondering...

I noticed that a lot of people who are supporters of PETA are also pet owners. What I want to know is, what do they feed their cats?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Neat (sorta...)

This is actually kind of a neat way to decorate your van, especially if it is an old, crappy one. Kudos to whoever came up with the idea of setting it up like an A-10.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Damn that global warming...

We just had the second earliest snow on record yesterday, and last night we broke records with temps in the low 20's, which is very unusual in eastern NC. Time to go outside and release some freon...

Monday, November 17, 2008

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Saturday, November 15, 2008



The following is just totally awesome. How could you punish someone that does this?


Friday, November 14, 2008

War/Action Movies

I didn't create the following list. It is a simple cut-and-paste, so the spelling errors are from the original author (it's a little too lengthy to go through and correct).

War Movie Cliches You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Every army platoon has at least one, usually black, member who can play the harmonica.

All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a jeep radiator.

If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.

If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare at that exact same moment

New replacements always get killed before you can even learn their names.

The hero's weapon is always different from everyone elses.

Every unit has a "Scrounge" who can get you anything from an atomic bomb to a date with the general's daughter for a bottle of cheap scotch, or vice-versa.

The platoon sargeant never has a grenade on him, so he Always asks someone else for the grenade, then pulls the pin out with his teeth. (which will usually cause you to lose teeth before extracting the pin!)

Everyone who joins an Airborne (parachute) outfit doesn't understand why anyone would jump out of perfectly good airplane.

Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.

Elite units are always considered expendable even though they cost much much more to train and maintain.

Roger, wilco -- over and out. nuff said. Radio transmission are always improper.

The German Army always uses U. S. Patton Tanks.

Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns NEVER recoil, unless its old documentary footage.

The battle hardened vet will always fall on a grenade for the new guy, rather than picking up the grenade and throwing it away, or jumping out of the fox hole.

Fox holes never have overhead protection, or grenade pits.

Only the "Japs" and the "VC" bother to use booby traps.

German soldier always wear grey uniforms and jack-boots, though these uniforms were pretty much pahsed out by mid 1943.

SS soldiers always wear there dress black uniform.

The British Army is only allowed to fight in North Africa, and even then only elite forces other than the LRDG and SAS are allowed to fight.

Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were involved.

The military hero always carries a special knife with an 11 inch + blade and a hollow handle with all sorts of gadgets. (most soldiers stick with the standard bayonet [6 in blade], Marine Corps Fighting knife[7 in blade], or airforce[5 1/2 in blade] survival knife.

None have hollow handles because hollow handles break too easily)

Snipers always know exactly where someone will pop there Head out of trench and soldiers in trenches never use mirrors or periscopes, like they did in World War One.

Any kid, or dog for that matter can wonder around through an artillery barrage and not get killed while half the outfit will always get wiped out.

No one will shoot the hero and the battle will even come to a stand still while the hero cries in agony and curse that "it should've been him" when his best friend steps on the land mine/get blown up/ dies charging the machine gun nest. The battle will resume as soon as the hero gets over his grief and gets angry. The hero will be victorious within 45 seconds of becoming angry.

Any machine gun nest can be approached from behind without dificulty, but not until half the unit has been wiped out.

Soldiers will ask for keys for military vehicles even though these vehicles dont use keys.

If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they will get orders to move out immediately.

Soldiers will always make a comment about the food, usually something along the line of "I stepped in it but I've never ate it" or "if we feed this to the "krauts" we'd win the war tomorrow."

Soldiers and sailors must have at least on bar room brawl usually followed by a scene where they come to each others mutual aid the next day.

There has to be a scene involving giving chocolate to children or nylons/cigarettes to women in a WW II movie. The soldiers never try to take advantage of the situation by asking for sexual favors in return.

There is also an obligatory scene where a soldier reads a travel brochure about beautiful Italy/Germany/France/Guam/ while the camera pans across the blown up country side.

If the travel guide scene is omitted, you'll be treated with the scene where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad there's a war going on, he's going to come back when this is all over.
He'll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.

WEAPONS

Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to reload. (If the movie does make them reload, they never have to actually carry any spare ammo until that scene)

Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise impossible. The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy always misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place.

Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe.
Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and vice versa.

When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When the hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another.

Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie)

A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the bullet.

When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead.

People always pump out a few (probably used) shotgun shells at each corner when chasing someone.

When people aim a rifle with binocular-sight at someone on a very long distance, they manage to keep them in the bull's-eye all the time even if they move around.

When faced with dozens of armed opponents, the good guy will show up and appear to be shot, perhaps dozens of times. He will fall down, and presumably be dead, but will later miraculously turn out to have had the

foresight to wear a bulletproof vest, armor plating, or even a silver tray to protect his torso (Batman). No one will ever shoot him in the head, where he is unprotected. Afterwards, instead of learning from his extremely good fortune, he throws his protection away, confident that the same situation cannot recur in his movie.

When superheroes like Batman or Robocop use high technology to protect themselves, the bad guys never take advantage of obvious weaknesses, such as no face protection.

Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward, through the air - the laws of physics notwithstanding.

Characters use silencers on revolvers... and it works.

In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets" will be referred to.

No movie character will ever use or refer to a safety on any firearm.

No movie character will ever use a .22-caliber weapon.

The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without hitting one will nevertheless be able to hit and detonate a stick of dynamite from 150 feet away with a revolver on the first try.

Once a character has flipped up the long range site on his rifle, he will always make his next shot.

Bullets removed from shooting victims and displayed to the camera will not be misshapen in any way from the impact - and will sometimes still have the casing attached.

Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle will cause the gas tank to explode.

Shots fired at windshields never deflect; they always penetrate and hit the bad guy in the forehead. If the good guy is driving, he'll simply have to duck a little to avoid them.

Shots fired at guys hiding around corners never whiz past; they always strike the edge of the building near the character's face.

Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet loudly.

If there is a trough of water present in a Western Gunfight scene, at least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.

Western characters are never shot in the legs while hiding behind wagons.

No gun will ever jam or misfire after a quick-draw.

In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street, at least one charcter is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.

No debris will ever fall from a ceiling after a gun is Fired upward into it. Shurrikens and thrown knives never miss, unless they pin a character's clothing to a wall or tree.

Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.

Assassins will always wait 'till the very last moment to assemble their complex sniper weapon (often a pistol the size of a rifle).

Even weapons experts will freeze when confronted with a weapon which is not in firing condition-ie an un-cocked single actionrevolver or a submachine gun with its breech closed (also un-cocked). The personholding the gun must make several moves to fire the gun, and the adversary could just reach out and take the weapon, but the dropee just freezes even though often it is obvious that the cylinder is devoid of
any ammo.

Movie gunmen never lock and load their weapons when anticipating a life-or-death confrontation. Oh they have their weapons drawn, but not charged with a round in the chamber. They usually (always when carrying
a pump-action shotgun) wait until they confront their quarry to slam a round into the chamber with a dramatic ca-chunking noise.

Bullets, even though they are only pieces of lead-sometimes encased in copper, always make little explosions when they strike any kind of inanimate object.

Photos of loved ones, religous medals, and bibles can stop bullets better than a bullet proof vest.

All sub machine guns sound alike and have the same rate of fire

NEW requirement: all automatic pistols must be held sideways in order to be fired.

If you are a cowboy, aiming your rifle while using you rhorse as a support will always assure a first round hit.

All aautomatic weapons must be cocked in order to be fired, but bolt action weapons can fire two or three times without being cocked!

You can never un-jam a weapon by just pulling back the bolt and rechambering another round, 'though that will work 99 times out of 100 in real life.

This is just awesome!!

Oops.

A Manhattan lawyer who sued his estranged wife for allegedly giving him herpes didn't get it from her, court papers say.

White-shoe attorney Frederick Tanne, 47, filed suit against his wife of 22 years, Amy Tanne, 46, earlier this year, charging her straying had left him with Herpes Simplex Virus 2, an STD that caused him to suffer "pain, suffering, emotional, mental, psychological and physical injuries and loss of enjoyment of life."

In court papers filed yesterday, Amy's lawyer, Thomas Mullaney, said his client had a blood test last month and "presented as 'negative' for HSV-2, more commonly known as genital herpes, with which Mr. Tanne is allegedly infected."

Reps for Tanne, a senior partner at Kirkland & Ellis, could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Happy Veterans Day.


BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
A PROCLAMATION

Whereas it has long been our customs to commemorate November 11, the anniversary of the ending of World War I, by paying tribute to the heroes of that tragic struggle and by rededicating ourselves to the cause of peace; and;

Whereas in the intervening years the United States has been involved in two other great military conflicts, which have added millions of veterans living and dead to the honor rolls of this Nation; and;

Whereas the Congress passed a concurrent resolution on June 4, 1926 (44 Stat. 1982), calling for the observance of November 11 with appropriate ceremonies, and later provided in an act approved May 13, 1938 (52 Stat. 351) , that the eleventh of November should be a legal holiday and should be known as Armistice Day; and;

Whereas, in order to expand the significance of that commemoration and in order that a grateful Nation might pay appropriate homage to the veterans of all its wars who have contributed so much to the preservation of this Nation, the Congress, by an act approved June 1, 1954 (68 Stat. 168), changed the name of the holiday to Veterans Day;

Now, Therefore, I, Dwight D. Eisenhower, President of the United States of America, do hereby call upon all of our citizens to observe Thursday, November 11, 1954, as Veterans Day. On that day let us solemnly remember the sacrifices of all those who fought so valiantly, on the seas, in the air, and on foreign shores, to preserve our heritage of freedom, and let us reconsecrate ourselves to the task of promoting an enduring peace so that their efforts shall not have been in vain.

I also direct the appropriate officials of the Government to arrange for the display of the flag of the United States on all public buildings on Veterans Day.

In order to insure proper and widespread observance of this anniversary, all veterans, all veterans' organizations, and the entire citizenry will wish to wish to join hands in the common purpose.

Toward this end, I am designating the Administrator of Veterans' Affairs as Chairman of a Veterans Day National Committee, which shall include such other persons as the Chairman may select, and which will coordinate at the national level necessary planning for the observance. I am also requesting the heads of all departments and agencies of the Executive branch of the Government to assist the National Committee in every way possible.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and cause the seal of the United States of America to be affixed.

Done at the City of Washington this eighth day of October in the Year of our Lord nineteen hundred and fifty-four, and of the Independence of the (SEAL) United States of America the one hundred and seventy-ninth.

DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
By the President:

JOHN FOSTER DULLES
Secretary of State.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Farewell to another American hero.

Associated Press story:

November 2, 2008

John Ripley, Vietnam War hero, dies at age 69

Retired Marine Col. John Ripley, who was credited with stopping a column of North Vietnamese tanks by blowing up a pair of bridges during the 1972 Easter Offensive of the Vietnam War, died at home at age 69, friends and relatives said Sunday.

Ripley's son, Stephen Ripley, said his father was found at his Annapolis home Saturday after missing a speaking engagement on Friday. The son said the cause of death had not been determined but it appeared his father died in his sleep.

In a videotaped interview with the U.S. Naval Institute for its Americans at War program, Ripley said he and about 600 South Vietnamese were ordered to "hold and die" against 20,000 North Vietnamese soldiers with about 200 tanks.

"I'll never forget that order, 'hold and die'," Ripley said. The only way to stop the enormous force with their tiny force was to destroy the bridge, he said.

"The idea that I would be able to even finish the job before the enemy got me was ludicrous," Ripley said. "When you know you're not going to make it, a wonderful thing happens: You stop being cluttered by the feeling that you're going to save your butt."

Ripley crawled under the bridge under heavy gunfire, rigging 500 pounds of explosives that brought the twins spans down, said John Miller, a former Marine adviser in Vietnam and the author of "The Bridge at Dong Ha," which details the battle.

Miller said the North Vietnamese advance was slowed considerably by Ripley.

"A lot of people think South Vietnam would have gone under in '72 had he not stopped them," Miller said.

Ray Madonna, president of the U.S. Naval Academy's 1962 graduating class, served in Vietnam as a Marine at the same time and said his classmate saved countless U.S. and South Vietnamese troops.

"They would have been wrecked" if the tanks had crossed, Madonna said. He said Ripley also coordinated naval gunfire that stopped the tanks from crossing at a shallower point downstream.

"He was a Marine's Marine, respected, highly respected by enlisted men, by his peers and by his seniors," Madonna said.

Miller said Ripley, who was born in Radford, Va., descended from a long line of veterans going back to the Revolutionary War. He graduated from the Naval Academy in 1962, after enlisting in the Marines out of high school and spending a year in naval school in Newport, R.I.

He earned the "Quad Body" distinction for making it through four of the toughest military training programs in the world: the Army Rangers, Marine reconnaissance, Army Airborne and Britain's Royal Marines, Miller said. He was also the only Marine to be inducted in the U.S. Army Ranger Hall of Fame.

Ripley earned the Navy Cross and Silver Star for his service in Vietnam. He later served on the Joint Chiefs of Staff and was regimental commander at Camp Lejeune, N.C., among other postings.

After retiring from the Marines, he was president and chancellor of Southern Virginia College in Lexington, Va.

Stephen Ripley said his father had a deep and tenacious love for his country, the Marine Corps and his family.

"My Dad never quit anything and never went halfway on anything in his life," he said. "He just was a full-throttle kind of person and those people that he cared about, he really cared about."

Ripley is survived by his wife, Moline B. Ripley, 67; three sons, Stephen Ripley, 43, Thomas Ripley, 38, and John Ripley, 35; a daughter, Mary Ripley, 39; and eight grandchildren.