Sunday, August 31, 2008

Stupid celebrities who do dumbass things "for the environment."

With the threat of global warming looming, it's more important than ever that all of us appear to care about the environment.

Maybe no one works harder on this than celebrities, who make it a point to show up in the papers every now and then with their latest eco-friendly gesture. We would applaud them for this, if it wasn't for the fact that the gestures are often mind-blowingly retarded.

#7.
Paul McCartney Gets a Hybrid... Flown to Him by Private Jet

Earlier this year, Paul McCartney bought (or may have been given) a hybrid car from Lexus, after he had done some promotional work for them. See! This is what John Lennon was singing about, people.

So What's the Problem?

The car was specially flown in from Japan, thus creating several hundred times more emissions than it would ever save. Reports differ as to whether or not McCartney bought the car and demanded it be flown to him, or if Lexus took it upon themselves to send it to him to make McCartney look like even more of a dick than he usually does.

In an interview, McCartney claimed to be horrified by the whole thing, but he couldn't talk for long as he had to go protect animals from potential forest fires by chopping down the Amazon rain forest.

It Could Have Been Worse...

He could have left it in the plane, then just had the plane fly him around England while he sat behind the wheel making engine sounds.

#6.
Jennifer Aniston Brushes Her Teeth in the Shower

On the eve of Al Gore's Live Earth gigs in July 2007, Jennifer Aniston said that because every two minutes of showering uses as much water as an African person has for an entire day, she restricts herself to a three minute shower (why fuck just one African's day up?). Also, she pointed out that she brushes her teeth in the shower to save on water, and that she painted her house green so it could be powered by photosynthesis.

OK, we made the last one up.

So What's the Problem?

For the moment we'll forgive the fact that dentists say it takes two minutes to brush your teeth properly, leaving Jennifer only one minute in the shower to clean the rest of her body (though perhaps making it clearer why Brad Pitt left her).

The bigger problem is that two minutes of brushing in the shower uses about five gallons of water, where two minutes of modest faucet usage (even if you're the type who leaves it running the whole time) only uses about two gallons. You don't need a spreadsheet to tell you which one saves the most water. Also, we can say from personal experience that you can save way more water than either method by simply not showering at all.

It Could Have Been Worse...

She could have suggested just taking your toothpaste and brush to the car wash, then sticking your head out of the window as you go through.

#5.
Sheryl Crow Uses One Sheet of Toilet Paper Per Visit

Sheryl Crow took time out from her role as least offensive musician ever to tell people to use only one square of toilet paper back in April 2007. Crow had been touring, so we've got a feeling she came up with the "one square" idea after an incident on the tour bus that we never, ever want to hear about.

So What's the Problem?

We don't know about you, but there have definitely been times when one sheet of toilet paper just isn't enough. And that's every time.


"I'm clearly not familiar with standard pooping."

Crow helpfully suggests that we can use two or three sheets for when that rare, exceptional shit calls for it. Now, without getting too graphic here, let's just say that after a night out involving a case of beer and a heap of heavily-spiced Indian food, two or three sheets would be nothing more than a preliminary damage assessment.

Crow later tried to pretend she had meant it all as a joke, but this was probably after she realized everyone was sitting on the opposite side of the tour bus from her.


Look how uncomfortable Sheryl Crow's butt makes John Mayer.

It Could Have Been Worse...

Crow could have taken her war against paper wastage to above anal levels and suggested making clothing with built-in napkins on the sleeves. Oh wait, she already did.

#4.
Woody Harrelson Has "Vegan" Clothes... Flown by Private Jet

Woody Harrelson was apparently a huge activist for environmental causes even before it became fashionable. He even boasts that he wears "vegan" clothes. We're not sure what constitutes vegan clothes, but we like to imagine Woody leaving bacon and sausages by his closet overnight, then smiling approvingly when he finds them untouched in the morning.

So What's the Problem?

Woody was attending the Cannes Film Festival this year and took part in a Charity Poker event with other celebrities like Salma Hayek and Tim Robbins, but once there he noticed he had forgotten his favorite vegan shoes and belt.


Woody's favorite belt buckle.

At this point he did what any of us would have done, and had them flown in from California on a private jet.

Actually, upon further consideration, we wouldn't have done that. We would have probably sat at the card table naked from the waist down and yelled "Poker? Damn near killed 'er!" over and over again while staring Salma Hayek right in the eye and rhythmically thrusting our hips in her general direction.

We're rarely, if ever, invited to poker nights.

It Could Have Been Worse...

He could have found a gravy stain on his favorite vegan shirt, and had it flown to California and back to be washed at a special vegan dry cleaner. Or even worse, he could have found out that it was chicken gravy and loudly accused the shirt of eating meat behind his back.

#3.
Coldplay Offsets Their Carbon Footprint Via Dead Trees

Celebrities have been getting around the whole "cut back on their lifestyle" thing by instead planting a shitload of trees somewhere in the world, arguing that the thousand or so trees they've planted (well, paid some charity to plant in some third-world farmer's back yard) will completely neutralize their carbon footprint.

Coldplay's Chris Martin, for instance, planted 10,000 mango trees in India to offset whatever emissions were made during the release of A Rush Of Blood To The Head, from their coal-fired guitars or whatever.

So What's the Problem?

It just doesn't work, according to environmental groups. Trees don't lock in carbon for long enough to make a difference. It's not a bad thing to plant trees, but it's not a magical cure for image-conscious celebrities who want to hang onto their private jets.


"I'm a massive tool, all the time."

And about those mango trees Martin had planted? Yeah, they're pretty much all dead.

It Could Have Been Worse...

He could have had the trees flown there by private jet.

#2.
Harrison Ford Waxes His Chest Hair to Save the Rain Forest

Harrison Ford decided to wax his chest to raise awareness of over-logging in the Amazon rainforest, and to make men wince from California to Delhi. The waxing can be seen in this thirty second video that is the centerpiece of the "Lost there, felt here" deforestation campaign which, without looking it up, we believe involves selling human body hair to raise money for the rain forests.

So What's the Problem?

If Harrison Ford turned up at our house, shirtless and with waxing strips stuck to his chest, and then pulled off the strips one by one with girlish shrieks of pain, we'd be unlikely to pay attention to a single word that was coming out of his mouth. It wouldn't matter if he was trying to send a message about deforestation, or that he wanted to give us all of the money in his wallet. We'd be too busy shutting the door in his face, securely bolting it, and checking the rest of the doors and windows to make sure they were fastened securely.

What we're saying is that there are better ways to tell the world about deforestation, Mr. Ford. Show us some pictures or something. Narrate a documentary. Just put your shirt back on.

It Could Have Been Worse...

At least it was his chest hair.

And just to make sure you're imagining Harrison Ford ripping the hair off of his nuts.

#1.
Al Gore Holds Green Concerts, With Artists Flown by Private Jet

In 2007 Al Gore organized a series of large concerts with the idea of informing people about global warming, via the medium of spunky, sassy pop stars singing songs and every now and again sitting around smugly, telling the world how they've installed solar panels or how they power their houses with potatoes or some shit.

So What's the Problem?

How about shifting 150 artists around the world, flying them a total of 222,623 miles (that's not counting the technical staff) and pumping 31,500 ton of carbon emissions into the atmosphere for that day alone?

By comparison, the average American releases twenty tons. A year.


"Guys, check it out, I invented a car that runs on pandas."

It Could Have Been Worse...

We suppose if a band could have somehow used a tour bus, several police cars, a private jet and a helicopter to make a single trip from one venue to another... no, wait, that actually happened.

The band Razorlight did it, then claimed they'd offset the damage by planting some trees later. Hey, it worked for Coldplay.


Story from www.cracked.com.

You know he's waiting to capitalize....

If you live in New Orleans, now is a good time to get the hell out! FEMA is not insurance, and the government shouldn't be responsible for taking care of you if you are too stupid to leave after Hurrricane Gustav in the same way you didn't leave after Hurricane Katrina.

Let's all wait and see what happens to Ray Nagin's "Chocolate City."

Okay, this one is weird.

Man Given Heart of Suicide Victim Marries Donor’s Widow and Then Kills Himself in Exactly the Same Way


A man who received the transplanted heart of a suicide victim has killed himself in exactly the same way. And, astonishingly, the same wife is mourning all over again.

Sonny Graham, who had received Terry Cottle’s heart, also went on to marry his widow. The couple met after Mr Graham started writing to her after being told her husband was his heart donor.

Twelve years after the successful transplant operation, Mr Graham shot himself dead, leaving his wife a widow for the second time in strikingly similar circumstances. Friends said Mrs Graham, a nurse, is stunned by the bizarre turn of events.

Officials in Vidalia, Georgia, said Mr Graham, 69, died after shooting himself in the throat with a shotgun. He was found in a garage at the home the couple shared.

In 1995, Mr Graham had been on the verge of death due to congestive heart failure. He had less than six months to live when the call came through from the Medical University of South Carolina, telling him that a heart had just become available. It belonged to Mr Cottle, 33, who had committed suicide by shooting himself in the head.

Mr Graham went to the hospital from his home nearby and the heart was transplanted that day. He did not know the identity of the donor, only that the heart belonged to a 33-year-old man.

A year later, Mr Graham contacted the organ donation agency wanting to thank the man’s family for the gift of life. He began writing to Mr Cottle’s young widow Cheryl, a mother of four. The couple later met, fell in love, married and moved to Georgia.

Speaking shortly after their wedding, Mrs Graham said: “It helped me so much. “Meeting Sonny made it easier for me, knowing something so good came from something so bad.”

Friends of Mr Graham said he had not shown any signs of being depressed.

Scientists say there are more than 70 documented cases of transplant patients having personality changes as they take on some of the characteristics of the donor.

Last month, a woman from Lancashire claimed her literary tastes changed radically following a kidney transplant. Cheryl Johnson used to enjoy celebrity biographies and best sellers such as The Da Vinci Code. But now she prefers classics such as Jane Austen’s Persuasion and Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment.

Character changes in transplant recipients are known as cellular memory phenomenon.

However, medical experts are sceptical about the concept and insist there is little convincing evidence.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Karma is a bitch (part V, I think...)

Amateur Motorcycle Stunt Filming Goes Horribly Wrong

One man is dead and another is in serious condition after a motorcycle stunt maneuver went wrong."They were filming the footage for YouTube," said Ron Brown, Crawford County's Deputy Sheriff.Authorities said the motorcycle driver was traveling northbound on Thornhill Street, when he lost control and hit his friend who was standing in the street video taping.That man was taken to a nearby hospital, where he later died. The driver is listed in serious condition.Officials said the motorcycle was traveling between 115 and 120 miles per hour. Some residents who live off Thornhill Street said racing is common on their road."The cars that we see come through here are Camaros and Nissan sports cars," said Brandon Jordan. "They need to slow down because it's dangerous out here."Residents said in the past police have patrolled the street in an effort to cut down on speeders.Authorities said the driver of the motorcycle may face charges of reckless driving.

Friday, August 29, 2008

True story...

Dad chops son's hand off in banana fight
11:20 AEST Tue Aug 26 2008


A Papua New Guinean father has lopped off his son's hand when a family fight erupted over a bunch of bananas.

The Southern Highlands (SHP) family have since sent the severed hand back to their village for burial, while the 20-year old recovers in the Mendi General Hospital.

Moson Wape, from Seven Kona in the Kagua district SHP, had his lower left hand cut off after his father tried to slash him on the head, PNG's National newspaper reports.

The incident occurred on the weekend when Wape intervened in a fight between his father and another son arguing over a bunch of bananas.

The father swung his bush knife and chopped off Wape's hand and also slashed his head.

Police are investigating.


Umm...I have a question about the following statement: "...had his lower left hand cut off..."

Just how many hands did this dude have?!?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Joe Biden? WTF does he have to do with change?

Obama is running on a platform of change. Joe Biden has been in Washington since 1973. Joe Biden is part of the problem, not the solution.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Fighter Pilot: Operation Red Flag

Click the above link and enjoy 45 minutes of simulated jet combat, or watch below:

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Offshore drilling

I have a question about Obama's criticism of McCain's plan to start offshore drilling. Obama said that offshore drilling is a bad idea, and that it would take 10 years before getting any energy returns from the drilling. Obama said that his plan would push forward on alternative fuel sources and raising CAFE (Corporate Average Fuel Economy) standards. Well, doesn't that sound great? Tell me...just how long will it take if such things are implemented before we would see any energy returns? I thought so...

When you force higher mileage through CAFE, it is great that vehicles become more efficient. The downside is, the auto makers must develop more economical technologies, which cost money, so guess who will pay for all of the research into creating the news technologies? Where does that cost go? Yup, on the sticker. A savings in gas won't always offset the cost of buying a new, higher priced vehicle, so people will keep their older, less efficient vehicles longer, which will offset any gas savings in the US.

Who is going to pay for all of the research and technology to develop alternative fuel sources? Where will that cost go? How will companies recoup the costs of research and development?

Barack, shut your suck...

Friday, August 15, 2008

Dear Boss,


I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. And if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,


Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The world according to Dad

One day a kid went to school and the teacher said, "For homework, I want you to find out the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'." So the kid went home and asked his father, "Dad, what's the difference between 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?" His father replied, "Ask you mother if she'd sleep with somebody for a million dollars." The son sort of looked at his father funny, but proceeded. "Mom, would you sleep with someone for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Well son, that is quite a large sum of money...I think I would." So the son went back to his father and said, "Dad, Mom said she would do it, but I just don't understand, what does that have to do with 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?" The father replied, "Don't worry about it, just ask your sister if she'd do it." Reluctantly the boy went and asked his sister. She replied, "A million dollars? OF COURSE I WOULD DO IT!!"
So, the boy returned once again to his father saying, "Dad, she said she'd do it too, but I still don't understand, what does that have to do with 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"

The father replied, "Well son, HYPOTHETICALLY we're sitting on two million dollars, REALISTICALLY, we're living with a couple of whores!"

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Unlimited steroid use

Well, with the 29th Olympiad well on its way, all of the talk about drug use and blood doping by athletes brings back the idea I proposed in the past. Why don't we have "clean" sports, and then have "dirty" sports. In the dirty sports, the athletes can take all of the performance enhancing drugs they want and compete against each other. I'd love to see just how far we can push the human body. These record setting athletes would be like rock stars. So what if they would be dead by the time they were 30 or 40 from cancer or exploded hearts? Think of the entertainment. I'd love to see somebody swim the length of the olympic pool under water. I'd love to see a sprinter run the 100m in 8 seconds. Entertainment!

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Backstroke of the West - a recap

I was going back through some of my previous posts, and I clicked the link to the blog of the fella who posted parts of the English to Chinese to English version of Star Wars Episode III. I found myself laughing out loud, again. It tickled me so much that I decided that everybody needed to enjoy it again, so I have again set the link above.

May you be big!

Death of a Gettysburg witness

The National Park Service says one of the few remaining "witness trees" to the Battle of Gettysburg has cracked in a storm and fell.

The massive honey locust tree fell Thursday evening in a storm that produced rain, hail and wind gusts. It stood on Cemetery Hill, 150 feet from the platform on which President Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address.

Park maintenance officials will assess what to do with what remains of the tree.

Park historian John Heiser said he knows of only three other witness trees that still stand in the heart of the battlefield.

Friday, August 08, 2008

My mp3 player

On my recent trip to Phoenix, one of the guys who went with me had an iPod Nano on which we watched videos and listened to music. While screaming along at Mach .75 at 34,000 feet, I thought that having such a device was a great idea to pass the time. Once we were in the resort, I did online shopping to find me a player. Fortunately, I still had in the back of my mind that I really didn't have a use for an mp3 player, much along the same lines that I never had a big use for a portable CD player in the 90's or a Walkman cassette player in the 80's (I had both). I love music, but I just don't have the desire or feel the need to listen to it constantly.

Anyway, because of that thought in the back of my mind, I decided to not spend a decent chunk of change for any of the iPods, so I looked some more at other players. I found a 4gig Sansa that plays both videos and music, along with showing pictures. I bought it for a total of $60, delivered. It took a couple of days for my laptop to recognize it (my primary-use computer is my Toshiba laptop; the desktop is in the office, and my laptop is on a small table next to my glider-rocker in the living room). Went back and forth with tech support until they determined that I needed to upgrade from Windows Media Player 10 (which should have worked) to WMP 11. I upgraded, and it works perfectly.

The music quality is great, and so is the video quality. Now I'm back to the fact that sticking ear buds in my ears is uncomfortable, and that I really don't have a need to listen to music everywhere I go!

It reminds me of the fact that I bought a Dell Pocket PC about five years ago, upgraded it to play videos, and even though it can access wireless Internet and bluetooth, I only use it to play Jawbreaker. I tried to carry my Dell Axim around as my planner, but it was easier to just keep a small pocket-sized notebook to write stuff down in.

Another politician proves he's an ass...

So, ole John Edwards got caught in a lie, screwing around on his wife, sneaking around, and then lying about it when confronted. He is cut from the same ilk as Bill Clinton. He became arrogant, got an overstroked ego, and felt that his empowerment gave him the ability to fuck around.

It could have been worse. He could have abused and cheapened the Office of the President by finger banging a fat cow in the Oval Office...

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Happy Nuke Hiroshima Day

Regardless of what the peaceniks and Historical Revisionists would have you believe, never forget that there was near unanimous public support in the United States for the dropping of the bombs.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Final thoughts about Phoenix

This is the entrance to the Royal Palms Resort that I stayed at. The Royal Palms is noted for having made the lists of top 25 best hotels/resorts in the US and in the top 100 in the world. It is frequented by businessmen, actors, and athletes.
The view from the back of the room I was in. The mountain is Camelback Mountain, the predominant landmark in Phoenix. Even if I wasn't sure where I was at, I could always orient myself by looking for Camelback Mountain.
Another view of the grounds behind my room.


I have some final thoughts about Phoenix, since it is more than likely that I'll never return in my entire life.

There are lots of places to eat, including genuine ethnic cooking (I had Mexican food all made on site, Greek food all made on site, and Italian food all made on site), but you need to be cautious, because eating in Phoenix is definitely not cheap.

Women!

I only saw clouds over Phoenix once in the seven days I was there. Someone told me that Phoenix had only received 2 inches of rain in all of 08 prior to my arrival.

Women!

The humidy level was so low, that I experienced something strange: The outside temperature was about 100 degrees one evening when I was in the pool. There was a 15-20 MPH wind blowing, and the pool's temperature felt like the water was in the mid 80's. When you would stand up, you got cold! Even though it was 100 degrees, the wind and very low humidity caused the water on your body to evaporate so quickly that you got cold!

Women!

Color coordinating your wardrobe with the area wouldn't be too difficult, since the local color schemes are based on tan, brown, taupe, rust, yellow, and cinnamon.

Women!

More about the weather? Well, one fellow there had an interesting perspective about living with the weather in Phoenix. You don't have to scrape sunshine off the windshield, you don't have to salt sunshine off the roads, sunshine doesn't blow roofs off, and you never hear about natural disasters involving too much sunshine.

Oh, did I mention the women?
I'm back from Phoenix. Back from 115-degree, 12% humidity days to 90-degree, 70% humidity days and 80-degree, 100% humidity nights. All things considered, it is good to be home. Of course, it was kind of neat to have a tall glass of ice water and never see any condensation pooling around the glass! No such thing here in North Carolina.