Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
So, how's the weather where you are?
Well, it is December 28, seven days into winter, and it reached a toasty, sunny 78 degrees here at the house. It was so beautiful today that I had to -HAD TO- put the top down and cruise around running what would otherwise be mundane errands (I made a special trip just to purchase a couple of 9-volt batteries). I know that snow, ice,and rain are keeping travelers pinned down in other parts of the country, but definitely not here in Eastern North Carolina.
It was so nice outside that I wanted to take a nap outdoors. Problem is, my swing/hammock is trashed. So what did I do? Reclined the passenger seat in the convertible and snoozed under the blue skies!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Digital TV is almost here (for good)...
Time for some holiday boobies!!!
Okay, maybe not the most apropos of postings before Christmas, but I can't deny the fact that I'm always on the lookout for sweater puppies!!
Monday, December 22, 2008
A trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, & she says "Hi, my name is Heather & you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her & proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up & knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, & you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again & continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. When the light turns green the trucker revs up & races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,& runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, &after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Indiana & I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
The trucker lowers the window, & she says "Hi, my name is Heather & you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her & proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up & knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, & you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again & continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. When the light turns green the trucker revs up & races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,& runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, &after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Indiana & I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
You think I'm a dumbass?
You know, one has to wonder why a parent would give their child a stupid name. Regardless of what level of enlightenment you feel that you have achieved, don't force your children to live a life of difficulty and pain due to your own stupidity. Case in point? Look at the ridiculous names these parents have given their three children. What fucking retards. Read below:
EASTON, Pa. (AP) — The father of 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell, denied a birthday cake with the child's full name on it by one New Jersey supermarket, is asking for a little tolerance.
Heath Campbell and his wife, Deborah, are upset not only with the decision made by the nearby ShopRite, but also with an outpouring of angry Internet postings in response to a local newspaper article about the cake.
Heath Campbell, who is 35, said in an interview Tuesday that people should look forward, not back, and accept change.
"They need to accept a name. A name's a name. The kid isn't going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did," he said.
After ShopRite refused the request for the cake as inappropriate, the Campbells got a cake decorated at a Wal-Mart in Pennsylvania, Deborah Campbell said.
About 12 people attended the birthday party on Sunday, according to Heath Campbell.
The Campbells' other two children also have unusual names: JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns 2 in a few months and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be 1 in April.
Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name."
Campbell said his ancestors are German and that he has lived all his life in Hunterdon County, New Jersey, which is across the Delaware River from Easton.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Don't you hate it when you're a dumbass?
Because of the holiday schedules, our time sheets have to be turned in early. This week, they needed to be turned in Wednesday. On Tuesday morning, our payroll person steps into the office and reminds us about the time sheets. I tell her we are on it. Early afternoon, my boss steps into the office and reminds us about the time sheets. I tell him we are on it, and I even put a post-it note on my computer. At 1800, the night shift supervisor comes in to do paperwork, and I remind him that time sheets need to be turned in before he goes home in the morning. At 1830, I call one of my people who is working late and tell him to make sure his time sheet is completed before he goes home at 2300. At 1900, I went home....
....at 0820 the next morning, I was driving the 40 minutes to work to complete the time sheets and turn them in!!! What a 'tard...
....at 0820 the next morning, I was driving the 40 minutes to work to complete the time sheets and turn them in!!! What a 'tard...
Monday, December 15, 2008
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex.
A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly stopped when her husband curtly asked," And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2.00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly stopped when her husband curtly asked," And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
The future of police cars
The picture you see here is the future of police cars. It is the product of a new company called Carbon Motors. The above link goes to the videos section of their website. This vehicle is definitely one being specifically designed for police work. If you doubt that, you have but to look at how the rear seatbelts are installed to know that cops are helping design this beast. The integrated LED lights look absolutely awesome in the videos.
Today was the first day that I actually drove my new convertible around with the top down. I realized that I had been driving for about 10 minutes when it hit me that I couldn't stop smiling. I was enjoying living the dream I had as a teenager of owning a convertible. I don't know if it is a mid-life crisis, or a desire to finally achieve a childhood dream, or just ego, but I'm glad I have one. There is just something about a topless car that is fun; you know other people are looking at you, and some of them are looking with a tinge of jealousy. You have unlimited sight. You get to enjoy all that is around you. It is an awesome sense of freedom.
Friday, December 05, 2008
If Santa answered his letters...
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed like Chutes and Ladders.
-Santa
=
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the hell names their kid "Francis" anyways?
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping yourhouse...
Santa
=
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that shit doesn't fly up here. You're getting a sweater....again.
Santa
=
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
SweetDreams!
Santa
When I was a teenager, I lost my interest in building models (which returned in my early 20's) when I started to notice girls and cars. Naturally, like any red blooded American kid, I would have loved to have a Ferrari, Lamborghini, or Porsche. Nonetheless, I was the proud recipient of an 8 year old Datsun 200SX when I turned 16. It wasn't much to look at, as it had rust holes and a crappy radio, but it was my first big step to adulthood and gave me the freedom that every teenager craves. As a teenager, I was always attracted to convertibles. I thought it would be really neat to put the top down on a nice day and cruise around with some beach bunny in the right seat. As I got older, I never lost the desire to have a convertible, but the cost of one was just too much. As I approach 40, I again began to think about how cool it would be to have a convertible. I really don't need a car payment, and for the last two years it has been nice making much more than what I spent, and I remember the pain of living paycheck to paycheck. That being said, I told a volunteer at work who worked at a car lot the other night in just casual conversation that I had always wanted a convertible and had started to just look around. Lo and behold, from out of the blue he called me today and said that he had found one, and he drove it 45 minutes to my house for me to see. He offered me a deal I couldn't turn down, and I am now the proud owner of a two year old Sebring Convertible. It's not loaded out in the options department, but it is a convertible, and it is mine! Downside? Five years of car payments. I'm looking to work a little extra and pay it off in two or three years.
Come on, nice sunny days!!!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
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